Freedom

In 1776, the second continental congress in America declared America's independence from the British. The 13 states in North America became free and independent state with dissolution of their British connection. 230 years later you've got the United States of America - the land of the free. Anyone can do anything as long as it abides to the law.

It's a natural thing to say that freedom is good. Perhaps even to say freedom is a necessity to run a civilized society well. We all enjoy the idea that we are free. Free to do whatever we want. But after a long time of being "ruled" and living our lives in a certain structure, freedom seems to be such a peculiar idea. For example, Brooks from Shawshank Redemption. He's been in the prison for quite a long time and he didn't really like the idea of being freed because the prison became his life. When he went out, he felt lost with nothing to do and ultimately killed himself.

I'm not talking about being imprisoned here or being ruled by another country, I'm talking about our lives being ruled and guided by certain things - work, relationship, etc. We all start in a blank slate- we have all the time in the world to do whatever we want be it legal or illegal because we have the freedom to do so. However, commitments start to fill our blank slate. We get family commitments, work commitments, sports that make us train 3 times a week, commitment to keep ourselves fit by going to the gym, commitment to see friends, etc. This things just starts on filling our blank slate until we end up with a scheduled life - 9-5: work. 5-7: sports. 7-8: dinner 8-11: work. 11-12: catch up with friends and family 12-8: sleep. And this goes on every single day of the week with minor variations such as see family in the weekend 9-12. We programme our lives just like we programme computers to do things. And of course, we bitch about how busy we always are. How much we hate work and how we would be rather at home doing nothing in our pyjama watching Jeremy Kyle show. As for relationships, it's the same thing. Sometimes we all feel that we are constricted by being in a commited relationship. How we want more freedom amd how we don't want to be tied down.

Thing is I think freedom from a scheduled life and committed relationships are just bull. Some people might think, including myself that we lie to ourselves that we would rather be at home than do work. We lie to ourselves that we hate the fact that we live a scheduled life. We lie to ourselves that we don't want to be committed in a relationship. Why? Because it's hard to accept that we do. It's hard to say that we are junkies for a hectic lifestyle. We are addicted to it and sometimes can't get enough even though we say we hate it. Take smoking for example. I always say that I hate smoking. I mean who would say they love smoking nowadays considering that is one of the leading carcinogenic substance. Why do I still do it? I love the high that I get when smoking. Same thing with work, I love the high I get when I accomplish things. I love the high that I get when I win in my sports. I love the high I get seeing my friends and my family. I love the high that I get when I know that my life would be better if it is scheduled because that means I don't have to decided what to do next for myself. As for relationships, I'm sure everyone is high with the pleasure they get from sex and this is particularly true in the gay community. It is incredibly rare to meet a gay guy in a bar not looking for sex but for a relationship- hell, it is hard to find a GUY who would rather have relationship than sex. However, it's easier to get freedom from relationships than freedom from a hectic lifestyle. It's harder to quit your job than to break up with someone. It's harder to stop a hobby than to say "it's not working out for us" because you invested so much in your career and your hobby than with your relationship. You dedicate your blood sweat and tears for your career and hobbies and as for relationships...well, mostly bodily fluids. Once you're free from your hectic lifestlye you will have the withdrawal symptom of wanting it back because you got used to it just like Brooks from Shawshank Redemption. You would wanna want it back. But for relationship, the highs in sex would be enough to make you not want it back. However, you will want it back once you realised you're too old and wants to get settled in. So don't you think it's a little bit stupid to be wasting our time in this freedom that we know we wouldn't want in the future?

Adaptation. We know what this is and we've done it so many times. I'm sure everyone who just came out of a hectic lifestyle can learn how to adapt their new found freedom? We could settle in and learn to love the fact that you've just watched 2 Jeremy Kyle shows in 1 day. However, same thing cannot be applied for relationships. We will learn how to love being single again. You know, the cliches - "I love being single." But in the end, we all know that we would want to get out of this adaptation and be imprisoned for the rest of our lives.

Karma, it sucks

So I started seeing this guy a few weeks ago. It started with a coffee date. We hit it off right away. We chatted the whole afternoon in the coffee house and we ended up visiting numerous pubs. We exchanged travel stories, family histories, hobbies and weirdly enough, he gave me lesson about the history of London. I found him intriguing and knowledged. He knows vast information about the ins and outs of London and other random stuff. The first date ended abruptly with me having a social engagement with my friends and thinking that the coffee meet would only last 2 hours or so. We spent the whole afternoon together although he didn't give me a kiss which I was obviously dissapointed. Second date, I felt the fireworks. Had a nice meal and we went to a wine bar. The first kiss is so hollywood: In a bridge, both of us were dead silent and he just went for it. That night, I thought "I can definitely see myself going out with this guy for a reasonable amount of time." Due to him being broke, we decided to go on museum dates, which is kind of fun but not as exciting especially if you've seen the whole collection numerous times. However, I did invite him to my flat once and...well you know. He certainly likes cuddling and kissing - I personally like them as well.

After that eventful night, we went for another date and it went downhill from there. I realised how some of his behaviour pisses me off such as cancelling dates or delaying it an hour before because of lame excuses (he needed a lie in). His punctuality record isn't stellar either and he texted me saying "i'll be 10 minutes late. thing with me is you need to allow extra 10 minutes everytime :)" I don't want to sound like a whiney arse bitch but I really do hate waiting. During that date, I was really tired from the previous night and wasn't really in the mood to listen to him ramble about random things. We went to a museum that I've been to so it didn't really interest me greatly. Basically, I was miserable that day! However, it made me realise that perhaps all that "i'm gonna be with him for a long time" crap is just a sudden rush of feeling when you get to meet people for the first time. Everything just come out from a different perspective that afternoon. How selfish he really is by making me wait in a bookstore while he reads a book he wouldn't buy. Or by appearing ridiculosuly bored when I went to a shop because I need to as I don't have any other time to buy this blazer, and it only lasted for 10 minutes. The date ended in a very very weird way. He told me he needed to go home because X-factor is on and he a thing with his housemate that they always watch it every week together.

When I said this to my friend he told me, and I quote "Anyone who watches X-factor deserves to be single for the rest of their life." Made me chuckle. Maybe not for the rest of their life, perhaps just when X-factor is on.

The date isn't exactly a good one. We didn't even kiss which I think is a must for date especially if you've been seeing each other for 3 weeks. I decided to give him 2 more chances. I asked him if he wanted to go out, he told me he was busy that week. Fair enough. 2nd chance was tonight. I asked him if he wants to come over - he told me he can't because he's having drinks with his friend and that I took as a sign that he is not interested at all. I mean we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks and if he really is interested he would have said "i can't but maybe this weekend or next week."

To be honest, I'm not that gutted. My reasons are as follow:
1. He doesn't have the aura that he made an effort for a date. He's always in his t-shirt and jeans while I'm wearing shirt and trousers to be presentable.
2. He never arranged a date with me. It's always me who's asking him out. (maybe that's an early sign that he's not interested - but still, if he's not interested, he shouldn't have said yes to meet up)
3. He's in his phone texting his mate when we were on our date.
4. HIS HOUSEMATE(BESTFRIEND?) KEPT ON TEXTING AND CALLING HIM WHILE WE WERE HAVING SEX - he even spoke to her after we had sex!
5. Speaking of sex, he's OK although I felt like his handjob was like a jabbing action to my bladder. I literally had a sore bladder the day after.
6. He never once called me to see how I'm doing.
7. He's cheap! We only been on a dinner date once and that was in Wagamama! How romantic.
8. He needs to work on his kissing techniques. His french kiss felt like his tongue was an electronic food mixer. It's all about slow massages mate.
9. He's to dependent to his housemate. Stop thinking that you're Will in Will and Grace. It's very unhealthy.
10. He said no to sex for X-factor! I mean come on.
11. Frankly, he's a little bit cynical. Disliking fat people is one thing but hating them because of what they are is just wrong. He expressed this opinion through the 3 weeks that we've been going out. Hating people just because they are what they are e.g. fat is like racism.


I'm sorry for my post to be a bit whiney and bitchy and below the belt. I suppose I am too sad to blog about anything else but my dislike of him because I honestly think that I wasted my attention and my time with him. Think about relationships, it's not just unity. It's also reciprocation and compromises which I didn't feel at all with this guy. But hey, we've only been going out for a month. I guess that was a lucky escape for me! Karma sucks I'm telling you. I'm pretty sure that he'll be interested in some guy in which he will dedicate his time and attention to him but he won't reciprocate him and that guy will send him to a wild goose chase. Karma will bite you in the arse.


P.S. I haven't told him that I don't want to see him anymore. I am a man of manners an am thinking of texting him saying that I've wasted enough time with him and I don't want to see him again. Any advice on what to say to him or how to say it to him?

Dreams

I'm sure that at one point or another, everyone had dreams. I'm talking of the dreams that we have when we're sleeping. Be it a fantasy or a nightmare. I had a weird dream last night where I was at an audition. Not sure if it's a singing, dancing or acting audition and to be honest it felt more of a career making interview and I can actually recognise some of my colleagues from school. Don't know why it was an audition. Anyway, we were waiting for hours and hours and suddenly, there was this trauma. I didn't exactly know what it was whether it was a car accident or a helicopter crash but I know there was a trauma and the hospital just got busier(p.s. the dream was set in a hospital). All of a sudden, this Anna Wintour looking woman came in and decided to divide the group into two. The other half was lead to another room or even building while we stayed in the same place. I woke up, but got back to sleep again. The dream continued but this time my group was outside and we are still waiting. Hours has gone past and there was still nothing but one thing is for sure, the other group was having the time of their life(I don't know why I know this, but I just did). And all of a sudden chaos disturbed my weird dream. The sky went dark and the lighting seemed like the perfect tone for a very dark film like Batman Begins. The building right in front of us turned purple/blue and on the top floor was a screaming voice- kinda like the devil's voice. Everyone was panicking and the Anna Wintour looking woman came back to us, shrieked and ran way. Panick was in the atmosphere but all I'm feeling is rationality. With just my courage in my hand, I stepped away from the crowd and towards the building and shouted "I am not afraid." The top floor projected an image of a guy who's more likely to be seen at a lecture for head and neck surgery- his nose fell off...looks like a cancer of the skin. And I said to myself that's just a medical condition, there's nothing to be frightened off and I shouted with a higher tone "I am not afraid, do what you can!" My friends and colleagues shouted "Shut the fuck up!" to me so I have to stay quiet and retreat back to the group and all of a sudden, my alarm went off.

Jung argued that dreams are an efficient language comparable to poetry. For example, Gillian Clarke wrote a poem comparing the irealnd catholic protestant peagood friday agreement like a lamb giving birth to it's child. So I thought to myself, maybe my dream is in fact a poetry about my situation right now but in a much more powerful and gripping language. It starts off with us going for auditions doesn't it? It's confusing because it felt like a job interview but at the same time an actual auditions. I suppose it can represent 2 auditions in life which is an audition for job and an audition for relationship. For job- well i told you it felt like a job interview and it was in a hospital after all so that's understandble. For relationships- well to "audition" for a relationship or "first date", you gotta dance, sing and act to get it don't you? And when you do get in, you get the job to dance, sing and act for a very succesful play(true love) e.g. Les miserables or maybe to a short-lived one e.g. Desperately Seeking Susan and end up with baggages(I heard DSS production team is in 3.5 million debt) p.s. sorry for the musical analogy. Anyway, the group was then divided into two, the happy ones who were called in first for the auditions and us, the single one without a date and hopeless. I gotta tell you, most of my friends were in my group and that's currently the situation. All of us are single and we usually sulk about this. I told you, I know that the other group was happy but I had no proof. Maybe it's my illusion that does in the other group i.e. those who are dating and in a relationship are happy even though I had no proof. Why? maybe I'm just kidding myself that people who are in a relationship are always happy which I know is not always the case. But still, it's great if that was true. And there I was standing in front of the scary building that I would like to call "commitment" and shouting I am not afraid. I'm trying to break away from the group of my friends and try not to be single but alas, I succumbed to their threats and came back. I certainly am dating more than my friends and I have been dating someone for about a month now. Here I am saying I am not afraid to commit yet in the end I backed down. Commitment is not everything for me but it would be nice to be in a committed relationship. It certainly takes balls of steel to commit yourself to someone. I know that I can...why? I barely have time for one guy, imagine fitting in two guys! I'm worried about the other person not being able to commit. That's my insecurity that pushes me away from the purple building. And of course it ended.

If this dream really is my subconscious trying to tell me my situation, then it's kinda bang on. Mind you, I'm not one of those people who actually analyses their dreams and try to predict my future. I just thought it would make a semi-interesting entry for my blog. One thing doesn't fit in though, I told you from the start of the analysis, there are two interpretations for the auditions, relationships and career. I didn' go for the career one which would probably involved me being grilled with questions by a group of consultants, I went for the singing, dancing and acting audition for a relationship. I always thought I would put my career first before relationships. Is my dream trying to say something?

Work and Love, Ying and Yang

Sigmund Freud once said "Love and work... work and love, that's all there is." So I can't help it thinking that if you haven't got any of those two, you're fucked. That's all there is in this world: love and work. As much as I want to disagree with Freud, I think he has a point. London life seems to be like this. 9-5: work. 5-late: love. Love doesn't necessarily have to mean "relationship love". In fact, there are five words for love in Greek with different meanings. Eros - passionate love, Philia - friendship, Agape - unconditional love, Storge - affection, and Thelema - desire. Now that i expanded the word "love," Freud seems to be making a lot more sense you know. I go to lectures everyday (some people go to work) and consider that as my work. After that I hang out with my friends and that's my Philia time. But what happens when someone intertwine these two identities?

I suppose it's good if you love your work because then it wouldn't feel like work at all. Your storge for your work transform your "work" from just a mere boring routine to something that you look forward to on doing- something you're very passionate about. My work, which is my course, is starting to become my lover. OK, that sounded a bit weird and creepy. What I meant was I'm starting to love my course. OK, so maybe I'm still falling asleep on my lectures and also missing some lectures, however I'm starting to find certain subjects in my field quite interesting that I start to obsess about it because I'm just so keen. Now you see this is where the problem lies. I think if you let the field of love intertwine with your work too much, I think it becomes unhealthy that you started disregarding the other loves in your life such as eros, agape and philia. So theoretically, it's good to love your work but it's not good if the field of "love" overtakes the field of "work." But what happens when love seems like work?

Love should never feel like work. Love should be spontaneous. If it feels like work, I think you have a big problem there which is worst than loving your work too much. Basically, if you think about it, you only have work in your life with the absence of love as love is work....did you get that? However, there comes the question of if you love someone, shouldn't you work for it? I guess this is partly true but I still think that love is not something you should work for. It's something you cannot control. It just happens. I don't think you could ever work for love as this is like deluding yourself in believing a lie. Alan Watts said "love is not on our command" and working for love is like controlling love isn't it? You're controlling yourself to fall in love with someone. It's a very complicated situation which resulted me into this rambler. I feel like I'm working for love and I know this is wrong. However, I genuinely like this guy and I can see myself falling for him. But there's just too much effort for it.

Work and Love is like ying and yang, it needs to be balanced. If they do overlap, the overlapping area must be balanced as well. Once you get this all balanced, you will have happiness. In my situation, the overlapping just went too much for both work and love. However, the overlap is balanced: my work is my love and my love is my work. Does that mean I'm happy though?

The Murphy Syndrome

Murphy - me, student, lives in London and gay.

Syndrome - a combination of signs and/or symptoms that forms a distinct clinical picture of a particular disorder.

The Murphy Syndrome - 1.My blog. 2. A particular syndrome which includes symptoms of cynicism, bitterness, randomness, sarcasm and the occasional neuroticism. Cause is unknown and intense research is undergoing to find the root of this disease. Treatment includes excessive amount of time doing sports, preoccupying one's self with work(mainly studying) to forget the existence of the disease, a gluttonous meal usually work but with dire side-effects and alcohol, but again with side-effects. A sense of achievement usually cause the patient to go on remission but this is temporary. Research is being done on the treatment of Murphy's syndrome with "relationship." Relationship seems to have caused the patients to go on remission. However, after a short period of time, the patient suffered a milder case of Murphy's syndrome. Lots of time and money has been spent on the field of "relationship" on curing this disease but more time must be spent on the treatment using "work." Scientists have argued that if the patient do more "work" then perhaps an achievement might be gained and will cause the patient happiness and therefore remission from this disease.